Introduction

The following section of writings is a small collection of poetry
and writings, written by Coyote, a self-proclaimed anarchist and an
imprisoned radical intellectual. Now, in 2008, Coyote is presently
30-year old man, but this particular selection of poetry and writings
Were put together 7 years ago, when Coyote was 23 years old.

Coyote was incarcerated in Nevada at the young age of 19,in the
year of 1997 (November 14") for gang-related stabbing and had
Served 3 years of his sentence at the time of these particular writings.
He was originally classified to be housed in a medium custody
prison, but due o his explosive behavior towards authority, e was
<ent to a maximum security prison, where he has been for the last 10
vears and where he will be until he is released. Coyote only lasted 3
months on the medium yard and committed several assaults on
correctional officers before he was eventually transferred to Ely
State Prison. He has served much of his time in and out of solitary
confinement.

1t was while he found iself alone in these dungeons, during
those dark moments of his life that he beganin to really delve into his
writings, more as a release and a way of coping with the things he
was dealing with at the time, than anything clse. 1t was through his
self-expressions that he realized how powerful a release that writing
was for him. These writings were written during a very dark time in
Coyote’s life, where violence, anger and vengeance permeated
through Coyote’s mind as he constantly tried o act out his
aggressions towards other prisoners and especially towards the
authorities. But it was also during this time when Coyote met
‘many decent-minded, solid convicts and imprisoned radicals,
some of whom personally sat down and taught Coyote about
the long term effects of isolation and about sensory
deprivation, which was helpful in allowing him to understand
why his mind was so intently set on attacking particular
prisoners and guards. These same convicts and imprisoned
radicals passed books to Coyote and personally encouraged
him to read and study, and a few of them helped him develop

i skills in writing poetry. Coyote embraced that knowledge and
put it to g0od use as you can see by this selection of writings and
poems.

Through this period of incarceration, seeds were planted in
Coyote's mind that evidently still bear precious fruits to this day. It

was during this time of self=reflection in solitary and his bonding
with other imprisoned radical intellectuals that Coyote began to
grasp real gems of knowledge and higher understanding. Coyote has
learned so much about himself during these past 10 years of 3
incarceration and it was through these struggles, these hard times.
and through this period of darkness where Coyote was able to grow
intellectually and spiritually and be able to develop his thinking into
& higher plane of consciousness. Al of these writings and poems
were written during long periods of hole time in solitary and a lot of
these poems and writings are about how prison life was seen through
his young, 23-year old eyes.

This collection offers a peek into some of the dark times of
Coyote’s early period of incarceration where he first began to
embrace a higher understanding of life and knowledge and when he
first began to strive to gain new levels of consciousness and develop
himself as an imprisoned radical intellectual. Coyote has had a few
poems published and printed in anthologies and has written several
of his own zines, some of which include “Coyore Calling” and “Brain
Grenades” and he’s been able to conduct written interviews from his
cell on serious-minded political activists, such as Anthony Rayson
and Russell Maroon Shoatz, all of which can be obtained by writi
Anthony Rayson of the South Chicago Anarchist Black Cross Zine
Distro.

Although Coyote offers you a small piece of himself in high hopes
that you can enjoy; and he wants you to know that he has a much
brighter side to him as well, that he wouldn’t mind sharing. Coyote
has his own prison chapter of Anarchist Black Cross, passes out
literature to fellow prisoners, encourages them to apply themselves
in productive ways, he has comrades on the outs who have been
helping him supply the E.S.P. prison library with empowering books
and literature and Coyote does other activist type work with fellow
prisoners and with serious activist comrades in the free world, He
has taught a whole class of high school students through his essay,
“The Importance of Resistance” and Coyote is an active community
builder who adamantly refuses to work with or cooperate with
wardens or any government officials because he believes in a system
of autonomy, where the people help the people. He hopes you will
enjoy the following selection of writings and poems and those who
are interested are definitely welcome to write to Coyote for pen pals
or friendship, at either of the following 2 addresses & zine distro.

Coyote Sheff #55671 Burning River Collective
P.0. Box 1989 P.0. Box 602543
Ely, Nevada 89301-1989 Cleveland, Ohio 44102
CONTENTS

1. Introduction 2-3
2. Dedications 4-5
3. Author’s Note 6-17
4. Allin the Eyes of the Beholder 8
5. Entangled 9
6. The Killing Grounds 10
7. Hard Times 1
s Prison Life 12
9. In the Company of Four Walls 13
10. Behind Closed Doors 1"
11. Bound 15
12. Freak 16
13. As the Sun Sets 17
14, Dancing with the Darkness 18
15. Zoned 19
16. Within Moments 20
17. Dead End 20-21
18. Head - Up 21
19. Killers Mode 2
20. My Judgment 23
21. Evil Minded 24
22. A Dark Look Within 2
23. Today is a Good Day to Die 2
24. Suicide Note 27-28
25. Expressions 29
26. Dark Times 30
27. It Unfolds 30
28, Life’s Lesson 31-33
29. The Strong Will Survive )
30. Young Man Lost 34-35
. Ugly 35-36
. Sunshine 37-38
. Sunsets off the Razor Wire 38
. Killer’s Creed 39
Games Just Begun 40
36. Incarceration and Darkness 40-42
37. Unknown Roads 2-43
38, 10s a Long Dark Ride 43-44

Published on December 23", 2008 / @nticopyright / free to prisoners
Dedications

Most of all, first of all, I would like to dedicate chis to my
beautiful mother, Sara. Without her faith in me it would have been
hard for me to believe in myself. She has forever been there for m
even through my darkest moments. None of this would have been
possible without her sunshine and love. My mother is my world and
1 owe everything to her.

Secondly, I dedicate this work of writing to all of those who sit
and dwell beside me, all the prisoners who sat in solitary
confinement and didn’t break. Those who know the darkness as |
do... The ones who share this dark world with me. Although
sometimes we're not able to see it, there is still so much sunshine for
us. Sometimes we have to reach into ourselves, before we can reach
out to the world. Sometimes it takes the darkness to see the light.
Hold on to your humanity and don’t let the darkness consume you,
or take you under. Keep your head held in hopes to see a
glimpse of light, ‘cuz it’s there. I've had my head caught in a fog.
before and I know what it feels like to be pulled and caught under
the strong current of these treacherous waters, but hard times can
only break the weak, hard times only make hard motherfuckers, so
stay strong and always remind yourself of what you stand for and
you'll be alright. Keep moving toward the light and you will be
alright.

And last, but not least, I dedicate this selection of poetry to all
those in the world who struggle to find themselves while living in the
realms of darkness; those who know all too well the pain, the suffer
and the loneliness of living alone in a world of darkness. I encourage
‘you to stay in touch with your dark side, but always try to look at
things on the bright side. Don’t be blind to the things that are
happening in front of you everyday. You can do things to make a
difference, little things, simple things, as long as it comes from the
heart, it will have an impact. Whether we know it or not, everybody
has a dark side to them, it’s just darker for some than for others.
Darkness can be a friend, it can inspire us in amazing ways, but 0o
much darkness is never good for the soul. So, always strive to find
some light in your life, as well. It's always good to know yourself
and tostay in touch with all who you are. May the sun forever shine
on all of your pathways in life, brightening your world and opening
your eyes and heart to love, truth and compassion. A little bit of
darkness is good, but the light is where it’s at!

A special thanks (o Anthony Rayson for helping me turn this into
azine. You are an inspiration to me and I am grateful for your

<upport. Thanks. .

Coyote
Ely State Prison, Nevada
‘Written in 2000, when
My life was full of darkness

Author’s Note

Looking back at these times and reflecting on my mind frame at
the age of 23, 1 now realize that I had my mind in a really bad place.
I woke up every day with murder in my heart. Rage and hate
burned through my veins. [ was locked down in a cell, mad at the
world, with nothing to lose, not concerned with consequences, I was
crazy. 1 wanted to hurt people, not just anybody, but particular
individuals who I didn’tlike. And on the few occasions I did attack
inmates and guards, my mind was caught in a dark fog of hatred and
combat.

In prison, sometimes hate is the needed energy that fuels us. It
Keeps us going. “Sometimes.” But it also eats you up inside. It
destroys you. 1t kills you and turns you into a monster. That's what
solitary confinement and long term isolation does to an angry man, a
man who doesn’t give a damn, a man who has nothing to lose.

1 look back at these writings, when I was 23 years old and 1
realize that if I didn’t have a pen and paper as an outlet; if I didn’t
have writings as a release; if didn’t have poetry to pour it all out
and turn it into a work of art, I would’ve either went stark raving
mad and killed someone; got myself killed; or buried myself so
deeply in an abyss that I would've never, ever been able to get out of
it.

1am also grateful for the comrades that | had around me at the
time. These were convicts who knew how 0 do time. These were
prisoners who understood things for what they were, people that
really knew what was going on and who knew how to combat the
psychological oppression that we suffer through under these 7
conditions. 1 owe my preservation and existence (0 these comrades.
They’ve shown me a lot and the things they've taught me not only
Kept me alive, but also allowed me to hold onto my sanity. So
indeed, I am definitely grateful for these comrades and for the
schooling they handed down to me and for the solidarity they've
shown me.

Tt was through their solidarity, it was through my writings as a
release and through my studies as fulfillment to my soul and through
resistance, that I was able to overcome my self-destructive state of
ind and begin to embrace higher understanding of self and life and
bumanity. These are some of my earlier writings that have never
been published or printed, just o give you a small peck into where
I've come from, to where I am now. 1 hope these poems will be
fulflling to your soul, as they were written from the depths of mine.

In Truth, Solidarity and R
Coyote
Ely State Prison, 2008
ABC-Nevada Prison Chapter

* Thank you A. Gaspar for the beautiful artwork on the front cover
of this zin

- ALL IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER -

I've been standing still too long
With no complete sunshine, just rays
Peeking through certain parts, pemetrating
Through the pain, but mixed in like the wind
When it rains, sometimes theres sunshine
there to acknoweledge my existence.

The clouds drifting away leaving memories
Of what was once there but had faded into
The day, fading into the night, like these clouds
In my brain fading from pain, pouring with rain
As I struggle with strain trying to sustain
But I keep drifting, searching for something
Uplifting, but now I realize that I'm slipping...

Time takes course in funny ways, never ceases
To leave me in a daze, walking away from mysteries

walking away from opportunity, leaving such
Matters behind only making these matters
Mysteries of mine, that won't walk away
From me, giving me no good opportunity to

Turn around and walk back to what is now a memory...

It's all in the manilla folder with the answers
In which it is all written, the letters on the
Pages only getting bolder as I get older
Locking continuously over my shoulder as the
As the world gets colder, I realize now, that it's
ALl in the eyes of the beholder.

ESP - 1999 -
- ENTANGLED -

Different minds, That intertwine when combined
Within the entrapments of time, keeping us all on
The same level, trying not to step off, or out of lir

The people on this earth carry so many faces
Walk in different paces to different places
Mainly looking out for themselves like everybody
Else, playing the Chameleon to get by, playing by the
Rules of the game, looking out for their good name
Knowing things aint never going to be the same
They dont want the game to be over.

Knowing all that's crazy, we disquise ourselves
As sane, to be on top of things so we can stay ahea:
In the game. We are all entangled in the midst of
Madness and insanity, curses and profanfty
Looking for some control, to find that there
Isn't any, we are the ones that are being contrclled.

Taking falls on the way to the top, entangled i
The traps of lies and eyes that despise, this

Don't ever stop.

Dead-end streets meet opportunity for new roa

To follow, trying to get to tomorrow, as life remainc
Hollow with more than we can svallow, it will neve:
Change completely, it just keeps getting worse az

We either get stronger or we get weaker.

ESP - 1990 -
‘o
- THE KILLING GROUNDS -

In thickness and darkness, the midst of insanity
Time spins fast, yet it's all slow motion
Thriving off the madness and the intensity

Letting survival be my only devotion

The darkness a friend, but also an enemy
I will be to the darkness I go if I don't make it out alive
Darkness, an inspiration to make it through the hell
That God is giving me
It is in the same darkness that I strive
The darkness of which I thrive

To the darkness I was born, In the darkness I live
And to that darkness I'll die
It is what all my life has held me down
And kept me blind, in endless times where I
Struggled for oxygen, for freedom, for death
It is what lead me to these killing grounds

Sow that the beginning has finally begun
Theres no ending until my time is done
Ko oxygen, no air, no tears, no fear
Tt's dark in here , dark out there
No difference, don't care

The killing of the dumb by the blind
The darkness is suicide, homicide
The darkness is incarceration of my mind
it least I tried, thought I tried, T did try
But T didn't " 32 "

1ling grounds, darkness, issanity,

found it was all untrue.

Esp - 1630 -
- HARD TIMES -

It's another day seeing the same
01d things I've seen yesterday
I watch as people call people names
And play mind games, using others
To their advantage

You can see it in our eyes
That we've seen our friends die for
Their lives, while we strive for our lives
You can tell we've struggled all our lives
And suffered calamities
Barely making it through the casualties
But when we do we come out stronger
And with much more wisdom and insight
Never thinking we'd make it through the niaht

Praying to see the next light of day
Leaving behind the struggles of yesterday
Or sometimes we feel like throwing life away
Cuz it seems there is no better way or any other
We strive for affection and resurection
Cuz inside we're dead from this infection
We try to smile and have good times
Sometimes maintaining a positive state of

But never will I go blind
I see how the game is played
Win, lose or die trying

Cuz there are certain rules, when brol

We take the chance of dieing

Just to make it through, this is t

o

- PRISON LIFE - n

Shadows casted, black and white
T could tell you more
But it would'nt sound right
Faces, they come and they 9o
But they're all the same
Wicked smiles and sly brain games
Voices lost in the darkness
They aint saying nothing anyway
You can sense the emotion
In the next mans voice
1f you just sit back and listen
But you'll never know the truth
Until your face to face with your fate

Slick talkers and brain washers
Puppets on a string
Fast talkers and get overs
Playing mind games
Big men falling out
Gver the littlest things
It's all give and take, mothings free
Respect is earned
Through tough lessons learned
1t must be given in order to ecieve
It's a two way street

truction is lurking in the darkness
Fake sniles and phony people
ira ost the side of their necks

3 you down with them
Just drazaing you down
Survival of the firtest

res alnost impossible

- IN THE COMPANY OF FOUR WALLS :

w

In between four white walls
| contemplate
And in between these four white walls

I marinate

1use this time of loneliness
To think of all the thoughts that could be thought of
‘With these four walls | share my homeliness
For these walls | have much love
‘These walks know my feelings, they know who |
Love and who | hate
‘They watch over me when I sleep

And they're there to help me concentrate

‘They're there when | stress, they're there
When | rest
‘They're there when | fear, and when 'm

Hurting inside they’'re always near

‘These four walls listen when I'm mad
‘These four walls just may be

The best company I've ever had
- BEHIND CLOSED DOORS - W

Behind closed doors these motherfuckers
Scream and shout not knowing
What the fuck they're talking about
Disrespectful gestures and threats
Towards one another
Hate, anger and outrage
Fills the atmosphere. Madness, insanity
Absolutely no control

In a maximum security prison
Where not too many people
Get along with eachother
Screaming profanities
Behind closed doors
Like they were tough motherfuckers

If this prison was to come off lockdown
and all the doors were to open
only half the motherfuckers who were
Talking all that shit would be around
To back it up, the others would'nt be
SO TOUGH WITHOUT THE DOORS PROTECTION

At night T lay in my bunk and try to shut
Sut the hateful noise, but at times it's
Unescapeable, £illing my veins with hate
ctherfuckers screaming like animals getting
in and their voices get under my skin

Making me have dark thoughts of

urder and pain
sounn

My minds inner screams, conflicting
With my hopes and dreans, evil tearing
Into my heart, taking me further avay
Making me different morally the more I stray
Wickedness coming over me like dirt covers the surface
Of the pathways in which we choose, the pathuays
That were once beautiful and plentiful but now crusi
And contused, binding us, into circles, zigzaguing our va
Through the maze, zigzagging from faze to faze
In a blind craze, e are bonded to confusion and madness
Going in circles which are only taking us further dows
And we say that ve can see, yet hope for vision
We say that we know, but dream for wisdon
I sit in the darkness listening to the water drif

bown the drains to hell, I know that I don't have to worr;

About going 'cuz I'm already there, mind state and fra

Of craziness and in this confused mird I awell, in circiv
'a feeling the patn and the ualy, I'm facing my fears, in -
I'm zigzagging, going further down, i'm leaving the place chat

Been only to end up in the exact same piace again
And in circles 1'm bound, looking for the lost soul
That I left, unknovingly. I'm bound with the sounds

n my head telling me that theres absolutely
Ho hope laft tor me.

Esp - 19m
FREAK b

i deep feeling that I don't belong overcomes me
A stranger, or monster in the mirror
out of place, unable to show my face B
Unable to know my own self

I walk through a dark world
Where faces stare at me with hateful disgust
Mockery and disdainful whispers
Paining me wherever I go

m a listless being, burdening everybodys world
in abnormal presence disturbing everybodys mind
I come from a dark ugly world
Sheltering myself with my own hate
Towards myself and towards the world

Outcasted by contemptuous looks
And by scornful voices
Wwalking alone with my madness
Confused with my curse
Hating everything and everybody
‘Cuz I'm not like them
And I'm misunderstood by everyone

And can't even understand my own self.

ESP - 2000
AS THE SUN SETS

As the sun sets behind the mountains
I sit here alone, with only my thoughts
Heart as cold as the steel I grip in my hands
Waiting, daring somebody to provoke me

As the sun sets and the darkness creeps in
Overwhelming my mind and my mood
I think about how fucked up my life is
And about all my evil ways
And the things I've had to do to get by

As the sun sets, turning the sky
Purplish orange, then finally blood red
I think about all the people I've hurt
And those who've tried to hurt me
I wonder when will the time come
That I'll have to hurt someone again

In order to keep them from hurting me

It almost feels like I want to hurt somebody
Like I like to do it
Like it's what I need to do
To feel good, to relieve myself
From all the pain and anger inside of me.

ESP - 2000
DANCING WITH THE DARKNESS

Dancing around in the darkness as it is my friend
or at least I tend to pretend
I let the shadows overpower me
And the power overshadow me
In the darkness T sometimes search for truth, unknowingly
Does your mind ever spin with you not even knowing
Exactly where it will land at 7 The fear in knowing
That makes me never want to stop spinning
Whenever T think about how my grin fades from my chin
It makes me want to stop grinning, seeing how I'm
o longer winning, but sinning since the beginning
And in the darkness my dark thoughts keep on swimming
Sometimes I can see things better in the dark, it's a
Place vhere I'm able to find truth and light, where I can
Allew both love and hate unite, it's a place where T
Can stay suppressed when depressed finding many
Emotions that have never been expressed, still going
On with my life, keeping close in mind my chances
Of death, but it seems so much more difficult to
1ite for

Really get the chance to live and
What it really is and how it's so priceless, but life

Will indeed go on regardless, long after I'm dead and
song .

Gone, lifeless, fadino to darkness like a

T dance in the dark as my mind creeps beyond the unseen
epths of heaven and hell, to the unseen passages
Finding hidden messages, grasping strength and
Cprertunity, trust and unity, seperation and cruelty
1 dance with the shadows of the long forgotten masters
3nd teachers known to some as gods, others as demons

they are the ones who guide me in this darkness

“n4 throuah this darkness until I get out of this darkness
o re-rarize the dark as a ood friend to me, Still I
uch a ancd friend

wytsh my step, realizing how

Zan be my uorse ensmy.

1o

zoNED

sitting in a cell, pitch black and plain
Thinking about everything from happiness to the slain
. Noticing how in each smile theres pain
Watching my life of sunshine turn to rain
And T see certain individuals go against the grain
While very few stay true and remain the same
It's all the same game, the only thing changed is the nase
Sitting here with the nothing to lose and everything > gain
Trying my hardest to maintain and stay sane
. With so many wicked thoughts floating through my brs.
Every day is filled with struggle and strain

With so much time to do so little
And so many thoughts to think about nothing
Trying my best to stay out of the middle
And make nothing into something
So many bad things to think about
So many bad things to do
5o much happiness to live without
So much time to be cruel

Feeding off the negativity
Theres so much negative energy
Taking you away from thoughts of better cloizes
Theres a lot of mixed messages from nesative “3ices

Becoming our everyday lives in this rri

Leaving many blind to wisd

Esp - 2009
- WITEIN NOMENTS -

Look beyond the false smiles and friendliness
o all the msery and ugliness within
The sunshine only lasts for so long
Then comes the darkness singing it's songs
Take a good look at everything and keep it in your mind
Because before you even realize, it can all be gone
Within just moments of your time.
Sonetimes sach second must be accounted for
Kot knowing what the future may have in store
way kave plans on saying hello, but without even knowing it
Goodbye should've been the words you chos
Nt realizing how fast a new chapter bagins
s soon as the last one was closed

witn your syes open, taking in all god gives to see
Keep your mind open, and free

et caugnt in situations that you'll later regret

Fuery day learn a lesson and never forget
Today only lasts so long
“efore you know it tomerrow will be gone
ivays be avare of what goes on
“eep yosr focus, sven through pain and distraction
to te strong, or you'll be added to the daily subtraction
Asxays be who you are no matter what people say
fir't et your head down when times are hard
And skies are grey
“ou can always lLook back to yesterday
But never go back

you can look ahead to tomorrow

hud maybe never even get there.

- DEAD END -

lenever 1'n in a dead end T alvays find myself
Gemenbering vords of dead men, who now live in
Legerd. Makes me think I can break through
The yellow tape of the crime scenes and get past
The nate the world brings, only to find myself in
e saze £l

© of my dreams, Not knowing what
Auy of thas neans, only knowing I'm back to where
scarted, paying ey respects to the departed, Seperating
Myselt from reality, suffering minor technisalities,
fosling that

2

In my brain, seelng visions of the slain
heres nothing to be gained, left in the cold as ths ster:'s
Told, vatching all this get old. Looking up to see i
I'm still in a dead end, and my eyes redden, i
Rage, and sy body strains with age, Erying t cliie

nountain to the sky as the wisdor passes ©j eres

Leaving me asking why 7 Once again I lock up for an

but now T realize 1

tiea +

Exit, or an entranc
A bed, and tightly the laft leg restraint pinchas
s out of ¥hat t'n in
e

Haybe my dreams are my uay
Looking for freedom through violence and ein,
] 1 can't win, T can laugh at it all and at everyb:s
Laughing at me, but I remain in a dead end
Unable to get free

HERD - UP

I walk with my head up even through the hardest tires
I keep my head tilted tovard the sky as I'm surrounded
By people who try to bring me down, cr put e anw

1 keep my head up as a resemblance that I walk 3.one

And can stand my ground on my oxn.

' I keep my head up as T stroll through hateful stares
1 keep my head up amongst enemies presence, showing o
Sign of weakness or retreat
I keep my head up when suuounded by anger anc

: Darkness, when my focus starts to fade from me
And T cannot see
I keep my head up through times of
Through snow, sunshine and rain

fain

Through struggles and strain.

I walk with my chin lifted towards the ©
e I rot on the inside with corruption and

1 walk with my head up as a lorel; tear

Slowly streaks down my face from feeiing the

Gf forever living in a cruel verii

KILLERS HODE

Look through the sly eyes of a liar
And find the truth
while the dagger digs deep through your spine
Look through the sly eyes of a liar
And it's the truth you will find

Mindless actions, below the surface
Every man you see comes with two faces
Tell me which face do you see
As T turn this knife, twisting slowly
Through your heart, which face do you see 7

Anongst cutthroats, backstabbers, two faced killers
Liars, decievers and cold blooded cowards
It's kill or be killed
You ride or you die
That's whats seen from my lieing eyes

Caught up in the evil web of wickedness
Stumbling through the blinding darkness

Dieing in your sleep, murdered in your dreams
ms

Waking up and realizing life aint what it s

1t was my whole life that flashed before my very oun eyes
iat made me see through the most hidden lies
Makina me really understand that I don't

Want to die
It's kill or be killed
You ride or you die
Life is a dirty game
And you play it to the bone
vou play for keeps.

Esp - 9/1/00

MY JUDGEMENT

With whom my words lay and remain
Pelling my love, my joy, my sorrow and pain
The are the ones who see me for who I am
They dre the ones I can truly call my friends
Somewhere deep inside a mystery lies a key
That will open up the secret enchantments
Known as me, as deep as the blue sea.
S0 much love and hatred combined
It all has me reaching out for light, 'cuz I'm so blind
Looking back to find the stranger that was left behind
Looking forward to the end of time
only to see nothing but what I seen yesterday
And the day before, as if it were a cycle that never ends
The only thing that changes is your friends
Sins are taken and replaced
Throun back in the creators face
And the world keeps turning faster and faster
And a lot of us are drifting further from " OUR MASTER "
Until the times we face disaster
We then come for repentance and prayer
Together, our pain is individually shared
Praying for our lives to be spared
I am observant of the ways of mankind
Because theres so many mysteries to find
So many tears to be shed
And smiles to be spread
So much happiness to obtain
Taking away the pain
ALl before I'm dead.

BSP - 1999
=

- EVIL MINDED -

Attempts being made to entertain a sick mind
With wicked ways and idle time
Leaving love and trust behind

Watching every day, the blind leads the blind

To the devil our signature was signed
Helping hands were disrespectfully declined
Projects of mayhem were individually assigned
Then soldiers were tactfully alligned
And var broke out on land where long forgotten
Rulers once dined
Land where love and beauty once entertwined
Where the sun once shined
And the air once kind
A place where now trouble is all you'll find
Unpure and confined
Dark and ugly combined
Far from divine
A place where the wicked unwind
And nothing is fine
A place that I can call all mine
The devils claws dig deep through my spine
Entertaining my sick and demented mind.

ESP - 2000
- A DARK LOOK WITHIN -

I don't like what I see when I stare at my reflection

The ugliness, the hurt, the pain that comes with rejection

Theres a story being told when you look in my eyes
The truth unfolds the untold, hidden naked lies
I can hear peoples silent screams

I know their suffer

I visualize their same shattered dreamsand feel their hunger

I know the sounds from their deprived stomachs
The lack of redundance and the need for abundance
I understand both sides of the lies
I feel for the failing man who valks avay proud
Just knowing that he tried
He's empty handed but whole hearted, coming with less
Than with what he departed, knowing he has
What it takes to finish what he started
I recognize the lies being told boldly in our face
Knowing well the contradictions that were failed to be hidden
Ashamed of being disgraced but too weak to have the
Burdens ridden, too strong to let it control me
Wanting to open the eyes of people like me so they can sec

The things that I have seen

Look into my pupils and you shall see a very cruel story

And maybe you'll understand when you see there the glory
I don't like what I see in my reflection
Making me take a deep look within
None of this can change anything of who I am
And I am a man who understands
some but not all,
Not yet anyway.

ESP - 1999
- TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE - 24

Today is a good day to die
Cold blood pumps through my veins
Dark visions of murder and pain
1 feel nothing, I have no emotions
Ready to die, with murderous devotions
Binded by steel chains
Confined by four walls, bitter and plain
Visualizing them with bloody stains
Steadily observing my surroundings
Becoming very adaptive to what I see
Trying to find reason
But only I find insanity.

strapped to a bed
With demented thoughts
swarming through my head
Twisted reality
Fighting to maintain my humanity
Having strong suicidal tendencies
I will kill the first one to cross me
1 will kill the first one I see
1 will kill anybody, in order for them
To keep from killing me !

Screaming out threats of murder
Screaming in a dark outrage
A cold chill runs trough my soul
Seconds later my temperature rises
To a burning degree
And my heart races
ins bulging through my skin

“aught in a game that I'll never win

is a good day to die !

Today
27
- SUICIDE BOTE -

Now I carry myself down the streets
I pray the lord to keep me on my feet
And if T should die for the chances I take
Please don't let my people make the same mistakes
Let me make my final stand before I say goodbys
They never understand, and they just ask why
But they don't even wait for no explanation
Therefore we're always stuck in the same situations
But I hope I can set an example with my deatn
Knowing that I aint got no chances left
But would I be able to make one final effort
And if that does'nt work out I'm not worried
'Cuz T know the lord is my shepard
Only if things could've been better
But even though my life was hard
Now that I'm letting go, T send the world my reaarde
‘Cuz where I'm going I'll finally get my justice
S0 it aint hard for me to discuss this
I'n tired of being disgusted with my peers
Makes me wonder if they really cared
When I die will they shed a tear?

Now I'm gonna end this and leave this world behind
But first I ask forgiveness, take me lord
With open arms, it's my time
I never intended any harm, but I feel my birth
Itself was a crime, I've always been quickly judznd

oy

And even discriminated, even though I tr
Hardest to change my life, I knew I could never make :
I locked myself in a cell and told the world

To go to hell
es T managed

I cussed and cursed and someti
7o make it through the werst
And every time that I was stressina
Lord it seemed like you protected me with your bl

That's why I'm counting on yeu to listen to my confess
38

Lord, it was never easy, my entire life was hard
culd never trust anybody, always quick to put up my guard
I had to watch my back no matter where I went
And T could never socialize
I'd go and commit the same sins
Right after I'd repent

And it seems I was alvays living a life of lies
So you see lord, theres nothing worth living for
I don't want to have to suffer anymore
I'n ready to leave this scandelous place
And T can't wait to see your immaculate face. "
50 1 write this to all my people so they can see
That this is the only way for me
Please don't cry, wipe those tears from your face
‘Cuz I'm going to a much better place
I'l1 be waiting for all of you
And watch you all from above
This is what I have to do
‘Cuz in heaven I'll get some love.

- ESP - 1998

- EXPRESSIONS - 29

Thoughts of death and corrosion often come to mind
Waiting for destryction to cone any time
Taking the of pessimism
May be what has me trapped in my own prison
Expressing myself in a negative way
s what I believe, leads me to another day
Even though I hope for the best
I always expect the worst
Wishing that I was blessed
But knowing that I'm cursed.

Let me talk about love, happiness or peace
Feelings that are decreased
I can love, even though it's hard
‘cum all this hatred keeps me on guard
And I fall in love with all the wrong things
For all the wrong reasons
My world may be different than yours
But we come from the same place
Still, I choose to carry a different face
As long as I'm expressing myself
Than I guess I can be somewhat content
Even if I express myself through negativity
It is good that I am releasing negative energy
I wish that things will get better for both me and you
But I understand that this a part of life
That T must go through
Love will find me at the right moment
Turning me into a friend, rather than an opponent

When 1 smile, I want to cry, 'cuz it's abnor;
For me to really feel good inside
When T wish for death
I'm really wishing to be alive.
- DARK TIMES - 30

My life is full of dread
My life is full of regret
Struggling beyond explanation
Lost in a world twisted and confusing
The darkest days, the long cold nights
Is the story of my life

Sleepless nights, tormenting fights
Against myself, against the world
I'm a lonely man, sad and untrusting
Demented and insane
Paranoid and unstable
A walking timebomb

I am restrained and controlled
In a dark world, misinderstood
I'm out of control

Not knowing how to reach out to anybody

Not knowing how to reach into myself
Not even sure if I want to.

- IT UNFOLDS -

I can see the pain and struggle in ones eyes
ter realizing they're living a life of lies

I can sense the hurt and the surprise
I can see the confusion floating in the air

Livs butterflies and the love die the way
~wer dies, as we all stare into the

jue and arey skies, it all unfolds...

The vrath, the lies, and the uatold.
- LIFES LESSONS -

As time pushes forward, slowly
Steadily dragging me backwards
Deeper in the darkness T go
Learning about life, all I need to know
The hard vay.

I've learned that theres two kinds of friends
“ 5o called friends

The real friends and then theres the
The real ones will be there for you
In your time of pain and need
While your so called friends
Will stab you in the back and watch you bleed
Take advantage of you, as their hearts
Are punped by greed.
I've learned that nothing in life comes easy and nothing is free
And if you vant anything done right
You gotta do it yourself
ALl you really have in this world
Is you.

I've learned to mind my own
And keep people out my business
To keep my mouth shut
s it all unfolds before my very oun eyes

Always stand my ground, even if it's the whole worid

Against me.

I've learned how to trust my instincts
And to only trust myself
Counting on nobody to help me
Through my most painful times.

I've learned how to watch my back
Knowing theres not gonna be nobody eise

To do it for me
or who can do 14 35 good as T eaN
1've learned haw to watch my friends 3
And keep them close
And watch my enemies, and keep them even closer.

T've learned the importance of always thinking
Before I act
And to alvays know what I'm saying
before I say it.

I know how to survive, I know how to kill
I know how to lle, T know when to fight
And when to back off, T know deception, I know
An evil mind and cold heart can get me through hell
or drag me deeper into it. I know a brave
Man could very easily be a dead man and I know a
43T Chouth never gets fed. I know that as a man
I must aluays take responcibility for all my actions
Right or wrong regardless of the consequences
And their severity.

I've learned pain and how to cope through it
I've learned the power of knowledge... I've
Learned how to be strong mentally and physically, and to
Walk with my head alvays 1ifted towards the sky.
Even through pain and hatred.

T've learned to aluays stay ready and prepared and the importance
f keeping my focus, even through struggle and distraction
© know some things are better left unsaid
are better left dead

And some iss
I've learned the meaning and value of bloodshed
randatory through the most insane times

that i

To always keep your head.
My most valuable lessons in life I've learned through
Pain and hardship
Through stuggle and darkness
I've learned it all the hard way
Through hatred and scorn
Through loss and mourn
Through suffer and misery

Through anger and insanity !

- EsP -
8/18/00

- THE STRONG WILL SURVIVE -

In this world theres choices we must make
And theres alvays rules we choose to break
Knowing theres consequences we must face
In a cell, we get that violent taste
ALl we see is anger and hatred
And our minds become demented
Theres nothing but negative influence within incarcerati
To break the cycle it will take a strong will
And you can only change yourself, nobody else
It will take high self-esteem and much patience

Keep your mind right and have good concentration
We become free in our contemplations
But we still live in warpped situations
It's kind of hard with so much negativity
Constantly in front of our eyes
But it's gonna take strength to survive
And a strong will so we don't become insane
or even institutionalized
Our minds are contained with so mach evil
Nevertheless we stay sharp as a needle
Keeping mainly to ourselves, building up a strong
Attitude that will help us make it
And at times ve all have our ups and downs
Sometimes it seem we reach our breaking point
About ready to fall off

But pat yourselt on the back if you make it
icuz it's true that only the stromg survive.

- 0UNG HAN LOST - 39

I see a young man lost in darkness and confusion
Not knowing his own self, not knowing who he is
He's talking to me, unknowingly letting me into his mind
Showing me who he is and what he's about
He tells me he's this and that and what he can do
And what he knows, ranting on and on
T see a young man who does not knowihe is
And who is very unsure and confused with himself
And with his life
No stability, not much sense
He opens up to me just 'cuz I pretend to listen
Saying " UH HUM " and " RIGHT ! RIGHT !
s he goes on not even knowing what he talks about..

I am avare of the little fronts and facades

He puts up to decoy his fears

Mainly, the fear of not being accepted

The fear of rejection, he's insecure and untrusting
Of everything and everyone, yet he still sits here
And opens hinself up to me as I offer no information
Of myself, I'm a stranger, someone he's seen around
And he knows my reputation, knowing nothing about me

Except for what I let hin know.

He has allowed me into the shallowness of his mind
‘Cuz T accept him, I can see him for not who he
Pretends to be, but for who he is, a lost
And confused boy struggling in a mans world
Passing judgement on everybody else
Just to make himself look good and to look better
Or equal to the next man.

I watch how he pushes everyone away as if
He's not comfortable with himself, insecure.
He's always making excuses for himself
“ oW 1'M CRAZY ", or " OH, I DON'T KHOW WHATS GOING ON "

And is unable to take responcibility for his actions
Accysivg
hnd own up to his mistakes, finding excuses or
Other people for his errors,

Time with being wrong.

and has a difficult
35

I see a very lost young mar,

I think he may have a few mental problems

And social disorders, but he's mot crazy
I wonder if theres any hope for him

is he completely lost ? I offer him little help
I let him know when he's full of shit

But he doesn't want to hear it
nd try to help the next man

or , althouyn

I'm not gonna sit around a
When he aint trying to help himself.
He's just about succeeded in pushing me completely avay
I vatch as he digs himself deeper in a ditch
I'm thinking, should I throw him a shovel, or should I
elf 2 I think he expects me to grab
that aint gonna happen.

Let him bury hins
The shovel and do all the digging,

August 22, 2000
- ESP -

- oLy -

Found anongst the shadows
In the place where the sun doesn't beam
the inspirations, the creations, the depths of my dreams
It seems that in this darkness, I made light
To shine upon my pathways
Opening my eyes to new passages, new wisdom
Followed by new routines, hopeful for praise.

wirt
If 1 can truly see what I believe 3¢
And I can truly believe what I think I see
Than why don't I move on it instead of staying still
Not reacting to my acknowledgements, making myself feel
Like I'm going backwards, getting behind, ‘cuz I'm not
Going forward on that high ladder to climb, No
Instead I'm absorbing my newly found wisdom
Letting it soak in before it gets fast ahead of me
Then, if I let that happen, it will soon be
Far behind me.

So many years I've awakened with my eyes shut
Blindly choosing the choices I chose, not even seeing
That I was putting myself deep in a rut
And momentarily I believe that I see
And think that I believe, running blindly
iih the visions I've seen, the perceptions I've percieved
Only to be misconcieved
Fenling decieved I go back to darkness
Shutting out the light
uat fesls like forever, I keep my eyes shut tight.

What 1 thought I've seen
Was just a thought I put to a vision
t uqly thar I, myself, made beautiful

thing that was purely untrue
As it vas truly unpure

Flying through my mind as quickly as it flew
Through my finger tips
And out of my life, my light, or really my darkness
It was my light that went out like the day
Turning the night, beyond the reach of my mind
tiowhere even close to heart, it is now gone and unseen
| It remains ugly, like the ways it has always been
| Except for those few moments
Where T made it beautiful.

- Esp - 1999
- sunsmine -

It was through the darkness that I seen the sunshine
Wishing that T can go back and rewind .
Holding onto lost hopes and a bowl of dreans
And T am now just barely figuring out what life means
Before, T always felt I had nothing to lose
Until T lost it all
Now I got this time to rearrange my point of views
Before, T vas alvays looking for confrontations
And it's true that time changes you in it's own ways
My concepts transforming with the grooves of this incarcers'
In this darkness I'm able to absorb the sunshine rays.

Now I reach out to the other side

Keeping close in mind who the people are in which 1 can o
iCus I know the darkness, and vhat lies within these shadows
Which is why I try to keep my face looking out these windcse

To what lies on the other side, waiting for ne

THat's vhere my dreams go at night, like a ghost in f
When it's dark, 1 am still able to hold onto

The sunshine light.

I've been able to learn so mich
Through times of struggle and pain
And I try to throw my knowledge to my people
Purpose of gain

1'4 rather see my people making it, than to be

With me in chains
Ve need to open our eyes and see what
Lifes really all about
Instead of life without
'Cuz you really don't know what you 3ot
auay from vou

Until it's tooke:
And your left on your own t5 figure out what
Your gonna do.
Sometimes that's what it takes to open your ey:
And then you might see life differently
You're able to realize and you're able to see
And through the darkness, theres still sunshine
You just can't let go, you can't let it take your mind

¥ou will see how everything changes With time o
Just keep your eyes open and don't be blind
And never let go of your sunshine !

- SUNSETS OFF THE RAZOR WIRE -

©aily 1 escape througn the back of my window
A<ing 1t a point to catch the sunset, as in ritual
Wanting to set my whole world on fire
it slowly burn as I watch the sunsets off the razor wire

I uatch as the sky solemnly turns
From Glue, to purplish orange and pink
To blood red it passionatly burns
“urns to a majestic blue just before it goes black
Making me think over my entire life

In a trance like state, almost like meditation
The sunset is my souls medication

45 the sun sets into the sea, like a king
Settling down in his throne
I reminisce on everything
~ Content with my thoughts alone B
4y troubles go into the sea along with the sun
Shutting out everything and everyone
as 1 daydrean
Situations run through my head
-iries from my past flash through the back of my eyes
realize that lifes more complicated than it seems

I feci as if the sunset is in my bloodstream

of eabracing the clouds

With it's besury and grace
uds a name and a face

Siving the o
Mot just passer-byes in the sky
That hoids the rain that drowns my fires

As rthe sun sets off the razor wire.

Ltamber o, 20
- Esp -
39

- KILLERS CREED -

Banish me for my murderous devotions
1 kill you in many ways
Take heed to the words I write and say
For these are the laws T lay

Inprison me for my lack of emotions
And for my evil ways
You can hold me down for so long
But you'll have to let me go one day
Somehow, Someway

Mugder me for my poisonous potions
That 1 feed you day by day

You can punish me for everything I do
° g

But you can never take my away

Crucify me for my wicked notions

And for the immoral games I play
You can sentence me to death for the bones I've laid
But you can never lock my soul away

You can hold me down for as long as you want
And you can play your little games
You can throw me in the torture chamber
Lock me in the darkest dungeons
Burn me in the hottest hell
But you will never, ever, ever
Get me to tell !

November 26, 2000
- ESP -
40
- GAMES JUST BEGUN -

Did you think you could hold me down
And fuck with my mind
Did you think you could keep me bound
And make me go blind
Did you think youtkeep me sound
While keeping me confined
Did you think I'd give up and say " YOU WON "
Did you think you could just throw me in a cell
And suddenly all my problems would be undone
Did you think you could forever lock me in hell
And keep me under the gun
Do you know the monster I've become ?
Did you think you were the only ones
Who knew how to have fun
well, I'm sorry to inform you

But the games have just begun.

November 26, 2000
- ESP -

- INCARCERATION AND DARKNESS -

Inmobilized in the darkest corners, my world is blackness
Crucify me for all my immoral ways in which I've practiced
But forgive me if you will, for these are the only ways that
I've been forced to know, take a trip with me in blackness

Waik with me into the wicked darkness, as far as you're

Willing to go, into the blackness if you dare, into the
Elachness I stare, T can't see you, but I know you're
out there
Sveryday I hear voices of people whose faces I've never even

Seen, every night I have nightmares that were turned from
My dreams, every night and all day I am enraged by ry peets
Murderous screams ! I know theres a place where ]

The green grass grows, but it's been so long since I've fe:

The touch of grass in my hands,
Tightly grasped in my hand, this darkness becomes a life
That noone knows. The people in here are sometimes sc

Insincere whispering their little lies in my ears, I
I search for sone

sitting here with a blale

Search for myself inside these mirrors,
e who cares, I can

One out there who hears, someon
See you, but I know you're out there

In my world, these dark corners that nobody knows even ex:sts

In my world vhere these chains make 1o
it's an every day thing, you dig desp

ve to my wrists, it's

An every day struggle,
Into yourself getting
The only thing that remains unchained is yo
as the walls close ir

in touch with your dark side, tut

ur pa

This pain in which we all share,
on us tighter each year, searching for life,
o is that not fear ? Searching for a 1

I can't see you, but I know you'es

Lisin

In rage,
That's real,
out there ¢

Sitting in the darkness, ny scul searches, in

Betueen the cement, my soul becomes blackened

From all this torment ! Every day 1s
The same thing year after year, I breathe the

Same air,
Their tears. I search for my freedom everywhere,

Can't see you, but I know you're out there

see the same faceless faces, withholding
1

An T not just a shadow slithering in the shade, a flover

In a meadow withering with age, A snake in a kettle
Hithering with rage, A ship in a bottle contaminated
With plague, A ghost in the darkness, just another spot
Of ink embracing a page ? Will you walk with me
1nto the blinding darkness until we find light, won't you lis|
To me as I express my wrongs and my rights,

would you
r me if I confessed my sadness and fright ? Is 4y
There a soul in the world who cares, is there anyone out

There who hears, aren't there any people in the world
y my tears ? I can't
See you, but I know you're out there, somewhere !

Who 1 can turn to, who will wipe a

Dancing with the darkness until my dying days
Alone with my sadness
Searching for the love of the sunshines rays, breathing
My final breaths, for I haven't any chances left
na my painful death, rotting each day inside my flesh.

I've tried to grasp, I've tried to touch
A1l the questions I've ever asked,

I've never needed nothing as much, each day it gets darker
nd that's all T know, But there has to be a place
there the green grass grows, where the sun shines and sets
Where I can look back with no regrets !
uhers wers my peers who've shared my despair,where were
“icse prers who've sald they cared, to wipe my tears from all
©0f my nightmares and fears ?

ho was always promised to be there 7

b has he let me suffer for so many years 7

Whosver you are, or whatever you are,

And wherever you are

zan not ses yau, but I know you're out there,
Semeuhere !

- UNKNOWN ROADS -

Abscently drifting down unknown roads
Constantly asking for answers to questions
That no one knows, time ticks on, leaving me nowhere
To go, as I continue to drift on, all alome.
Does life get any more complicated 7
Everything always goes wrong as soon as I get
Situated, arent there any explanations to lifes
Revelations, it's so devastating the way my life
Keeps fading, as the sun keeps setting and
The cold wind blows, carrying me down unknown roa

There are so many black yesterdays that remain 13

Behind me, Thats exactly where they belong, but then
There are always certain things that remind me of
Those dark days that are long gone, I've been descending
Into darkness for years and years, on a road
Leading to who knows where, unknown roads filled with
Tragic endings only to start worse beginnings, I've

Got time on my hands and I know not what to with

It, T've got scars on my soul that won't let me forget.
y days seem long and

My heart is black and cold, m
under

0ld, as I sit and wait for the truth to unfold,
as all the lies eventually

The deep blue sky I travel,
I don't

avel, can't I catch a train to anywhere,

unr
just get me away from here

Even care where, '

Under the skies blackness 1 stare, into nothingness,

Until I'm surrounded by darkness, asking myself why
Do 1 care,
Take me away from this world T know

I'm tired of being controlled, help me get
as each day

haven't T had enough of this 7

» better grasp on the life I hold,

This trip gets old, forever I drift alone,

on these wicked and evil, unknown roads.

october 24, 2000
- Esp -

- IT'S A LONG DARK RIDE -

It's a long dark ride to the bottom
There are so many ways to get there
Alone with the sunsets of Autum
Into the deep black sky I stare
1 can't tell you why, what, how, when or where
I can just point you in a direction
But I can't promise you'll ever get there
The time ticks and ticks away the days
The sky turns from blue to grey
I've seen it thousands of times before
It all unfolds eventually
But time will always remain a mystery

It's a long dark ride to the bottom
This I do know
So many ups and downs, ins and outs
Flip flopping our way through life
Giving it our all
Just to end up with nothing
Falling down like a shooting star
Where does it land, where does it go
Picking up so many scars
Upon my poor lonely soul
Digging myself deeper into a hole
This darkness is all that I know
It's a long dark ride to the bottom

ere sc many of us are destined to go
Sometimes it takes a few falls
Tn order to pick yourself up
Scmetimes we have to lose
Before we can win
It's when our hearts get bruised

Cr when we start to descend

n tie ride be

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